Proud Single Mother

Nojma Reflects

Monday

One ugly cycle that grows with each generation is the unfortunate belief that the Father is not a necessary component to the healthy development of a child. Rather than considering cases where the Father was forced out of the child’s life or the Mother has made an executive decision to alienate the sperm donor, we would rather buy into the simple narrative that the child’s “daddy just ain’t sh*t.

Black Mothers can be the most amazing and valuable creatures on this planet, but to defend the Black Mother by not encouraging her to self-examine would be a horrible mistake. I know a lot of women aren't necessarily single by choice, but it's seems that some of us like to PROUDLY BOAST of our "Single Mothers Status" and that we are holding it down. What exactly are we holding down?

As Mothers, by embodying this “Strong, Single Mother Image” are we ultimately planting the seed in the minds of our daughters that being a single mother is ok? Are our actions being nestled in their subconscious as a guide to conduct herself when she becomes an adult? As much as we say we don’t want our children to repeat our mistakes or follow in our footsteps, will “glorifying single motherhood” solidify that her journey will be the same as ours? What about our sons? By proudly boasting that the “single mothers are holding it down”, are we not relaying a message to our son that the presence of a man isn't needed or desired in the family structure?

My View: This doesn't apply to ALL single mothers because there are single moms that are doing a wonderful job raising strong, respectable sons. The single mother who's raising a child on her own is usually forced into that role through no fault of her own. The father decides he wants no part of his child(ren)'s life so he walks out on his family. I can't respect a man that creates a family and leaves, then has the nerve to come back after the children are grown & successful. That's extremely foul on my end. If a father's not willing to step up and raise the child(ren) he helped create, the mother has NO CHOICE but to raise her daughter alone. A father's presence in the home is critical, because studies show a child raised in a two-parent home will be productive as opposed to a child growing up in a single parent home. In a way, I can understand the strong, single mother image because a single mother is teaching her daughter that life goes on without her father. If he doesn't want to be in her life, I'll handle it on my own. When single mothers say they're holding it down, I think they mean they're making the best of a bad situation; they're determined to raise productive children without the help of a man. Of course, many single mothers want help raising their son or daughter, but life goes on for them. There are good men that WANT to do right by a single mother and her child(ren), but she won't allow him to discipline her child because she's hung up on how her ex mistreated her. Don't get me started on how some single mothers won't allow their man to discipline their child, even if (s)he's acting out of  order. This is a man that has gotten to know her and her child(ren) and wants to build a life with them.

Encouraging Her Man

Nojma Reflects

Tuesday

Brothers, ya'll mind if I ask you a couple of questions?

If you have a woman in your life, that sees the best in you, that sees your potential and has the desire and the will to cultivate the best in you by exercising said will does that make you feel emasculated? 

If the woman in your life realizes, recognizes and respects you as the head of the house, and if she assists in you in finding means to maintain the house, while understanding that doing so doesn't make you less of a man, but it makes her what SHE is...which is your helpmate, does that make you feel emasculated?

Once you have articulated your goal(s), or your plan of action to better yourself, which in turn will better your family, and the woman in your life supports you, and is willing to help bring your goals into a concrete reality...does that make you feel emasculated?

If this world has already deemed you a failure, but the woman in your life says eff that! I see you as a success, does that make you feel emasculated?

OR do you feel emasculated when the woman in your life jumps on the you aren't nothing bandwagon with everyone else? Or when she expects you to be this well made prepackaged man, even though she isn't a well made prepackaged woman. What exactly makes you feel "supported"and what makes you feel "emasculated?"

It's been said that the message I promote of supporting you and building you up is really emasculating you as men, so what better way to know than to hear from men? I appreciate all feedback. Thank you Brothers!

My View: Every man wants a good woman that will build him up, not tear him down. For me, this question is self-explanatory. I'll take the good woman who builds me up and I will do the same for her. I don't see how any man could feel emasculated by a good woman who's willing to help him be the best man for her and himself. Then again, some men have been so beaten down by their woman that when a good one comes into his life that supports & cares for him, he doesn't know what to do. To me, a man should feel emasculated if his woman is tearing him down, not building him up. That kind of woman is a keeper, because I know she will have my back during my struggle and will share in my prosperity.

Man Still Paying Child Support 25 Years After Childs Death

 

You know, this is sad. 25 years after the child's death and the baby's dad is STILL paying child support. If the child's dead, then who's the money going to? The mother. Going further, I have to wonder while the child was alive, what was the mother doing with the child support money. I hope she wasn't spending the child's money on herself; I hope she was using the money to care for the child at the time (s)he was living. It's common for single mothers to use their child's support money to pamper themselves. It's too much like right for the mother to give back all the money she received. That would mean no more shopping sprees, no more eating out at Red Lobster among other things. I'm very sure she's STILL receiving the support to this day. Why would she give it back? Free money for her to do as she pleases, right? If someone's benefitting off another's mistake, they're not going to acknowledge the error and make amends. No, they're going to continue milking the system. I support men taking care of their children's financial needs, but this is uncalled for; so ridiculous! Like someone said, after it was found out, no one did anything to stop the process and give that man his money back. These women see their child as a check, and nothing more. Few women fight to have an upstanding father in the home with them, raising them properly, while loving and caring for them at the same time. But, MANY of them will fight for them to pay, while ducking and dodging full ownership of the mistakes they've made in choosing to get pregnant quite possibly at the wrong time and by the wrong person(s).

Single Until Grown

For any woman that's been through a divorce and had children by her ex, much focus is put on raising the child(ren), and rightfully so. Some single mothers would rather raise their children first before jumping into the dating pool, which makes sense. Coming out of a relationship where you've invested years with a person, that's not one you get over quickfast. I was watching a talk show and it gave some real advice. Listen to your children!!! If your child has negative feelings about a person, don't make them be around that person. As a matter of fact, you might not need to be around that person either. It's said that much abuse can be avoided by just listening to your children and their instincts. What fools an adult may not fool a child. Use your instincts! Some single mothers don't have that discernment. Many single moms are hard up to have a man in their home that they don't research him. For all she knows, he could be a sex offender. Some men believe that the way to a woman's heart is through her children. If a man is asking personal questions about a single mom's kids, that's red-flag all day. One of my Facebook friends brought up a great point: She stated "The child(ren)'s father would have to meet any man she's interested in." I like that approach because no man will try anything in the presence of another man, not unless he wants a boot to his behind. By the time the child meets the significant other, strong feelings have already been established. Then a womas has to decide-WHEN do they meet the kids? Some say wait. Others say right away. Women don't want to look like they are parading a bunch of men in front of their children looking for "the one". I think in many cases, it's best if a single mother focuses on raising her children before she gets back in the dating scene. She may be older, but at least her children will be grown and on their own so she and her new man can live out the rest of their years in bliss.

Bobby Womack - "If You Think You're Lonely Now"

 

"If y'all don't mind I'd like to talk about this woman of mine
She's always complaining ‘bout me never being at home
But when I'm there broke
She's telling' me about the things that her girlfriends' got
What she ain't got, and she wants me to go out and get ‘em for her
But, but girl, I can't be in two places at one time"

 

Nojma Reflects: Sisters, if we think we are lonely now, what will we do when the Brothers get TIRED of us always telling them about their faults and flaws. There is a growing consensus among the Brothers, and they are TIRED of us telling them about their destructive behavior, while REFUSING to acknowledge our OWN destructive behavior. We talk about Black Men exercising other "options" but what we never talk about is WHY they are exercising other options and for SOME, why we are no longer an option for them.

 

My View: What he is saying is that his woman is more concerned about keeping up with other women and making a good impression than she is about her man who is working overtime to give her the life she said she wanted. So she feels lonely because he's not there but he feels neglected and tired of her nagging. So if you think you're lonely because I'm out working wait until I'm gone! A man will only tolerate so much from his woman until he plays this song for her.

 

Mama Needs A Man Too

 

"Be a good girl for Mommy" was the last thing she heard her mother say. She saw him approaching her, and she looked at her mother in confusion, then in fear as he took her in the bedroom. "Mommy HELP ME!" "Be a good girl for Mommy" is what her mother whispered to herself, as she tried to ignore the pleas of help from her daughter. "I've done what he's asked me to, he won't leave me now."

In the next room, the young girl looked at the man in trepidation as he looked at her with lust in his eyes. He touched her, groped her, muffled her screams and robbed her of inonocence. She laid there and tried to put herself in another place. She remembered going to the park, riding the rides, where she felt so free, but the tears rolling down her face reminded her that she was currently being held captive. Afterwards she lay there, paralyzed with pain, he exited the room a sick smile on his face.

Her mother ran to him, "I did good right?, you won't leave me". He said "you did real good, I will stay as long as you let me have BOTH of you." Scared to be alone, she agreed, her daughter walked out the room, looked at her mother, hatred reflected in her eyes, their relationship, much like her innocence irretrievable and beyond repair.

How many young Sisters does this happen to on a daily basis? Their innocence sacrificed so what? Mama can have a man, after all "mama gotta have a life to right?"

Then we wonder why our daughters have low self esteem, why they lie on their backs for validation or acceptance. Are we as women that lonely for someone to lay with that we offer our daughters as consignment? Are we that desperate to be touched that we call our daughers liars, when they come to us, telling us what our so called "man" has done to them? Are we that blinded by our own personal needs that we accuse our daughters of seducing HIM? Sadly, many of us ARE! We are worried about the pimps in the street, but what about the Mothers, that double as MADAMS!

Too many of our children are being raped, molested and sodomized by men that their mothers failed to investiagate, all because Mama was "lonely." Is your loneliness worth the terror your children might face at the hands and actions of a sick and twisted pedophile?

Sisters, be more mindful about who you decide to bring into your houses, don't compromise the safety of your daughters and sons, because you don't have a man. Be patient and wait on God to bring the Man He created specifically for you. You can have a " man" in your house, it doesn't mean he will be a GOOD man.

Your children are not for sale nor or they for sacrifice. As mothers we are supposed to protect our children from harm, not PLACE them in harms way. Look beyond YOUR flesh, and protect your children so that THEIR flesh will remain free from tamper and harm.

Peace.
(c)2011 Nojma Muhammad

 

My View: Mama needs a man, but NOT at the expense of her child. Too often, mothers put their desire for a man ahead of their child(ren). If a mother bear protects her young on instinct, what's some women's excuse for putting a man over their child? That mess is foul. I'm calling it like I see it and saying he's not a man, but a MONSTER. A monster is someone too evil to be considered human, and a pedophile fits the profile of a monster; they prey on defenseless children. A consolation prize is that prisoners exact the same punishment on child sex offenders when they get to prison, that is if they make it through the day. In many instances, child sex offenders are killed the day they get behind prison walls because in prison culture, sex offenders who harm children are looked at in extreme disgust. Women need to be very careful who they let into their lives because children come first. If he's an upstanding man, he will respect that. In many cases, that man will love that child like (s)he was his own. The touching part of this story is the child's hatred for mom reflected in her eyes, because she allowed this animal to violate her. You know the saying Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? That is what this girl will grow up, scorned. Unless she can find forgiveness in her heart towards this animal AND her mother for allowing this atrocity, all men better look out because she's on a warpath of anger & bitterness. Every man she meets will have to pay for the sin of this animal. A mother's desire for a man SHOULD NOT come before her child(ren). THAT PART.



B**** vs. Black Woman

 

Black Woman, you see that picture on the left, that's a picture of a BITCH! You see the picture beside it? That's you BLACK WOMAN!!!! Notice the difference between the two pictures? If you call yourself a bitch, you are calling yourself a female dog, and that's it. It doesn't matter if you try to flip it, and say you're a "bad bitch" you're a "boss bitch" your'e "THAT bitch", a bitch is a FEMALE DOG! Now if you are calling yourself a bitch, why are you complaining that you can't find a good man? Bitches and Men don't mate with one another! As a self proclaimed bitch your ONLY OPTION AS mate is a fellow dog.

Now tell me what can a man do with a bitch? Not a damn thing! What man is going to wife a BITCH? What kind of future or legacy can a man build with a BITCH? How can a BITCH secure the future of a MAN? How can a BITCH give comfort to a MAN? A BITCH can't! You can't be his woman if you're willing to be his BITCH. Black Woman, stop using this word to define you. A Bitch can only breed dogs/mutts, but Black Woman you have the capability to produce GODS! You can't produce God, calling yourself a BITCH! A bitch can't give birth to a Nation, but dammit Black woman YOU CAN!!!!!

 Before we fall back into our "deflection comfort zone" and talk about what Men do, Women call each other Bitches, Women call themselves bitches, and women ANSWER to the word bitch when called one. Women have turned the word bitch into a term of endearment among each other, and there is nothing endearing about being a female dog. So, we as women can’t talk about the word bitch being used in everyday life, when WE use it in everyday life, we can’t talk about a misogynistic society without talking about our CONTRIBUTIONS to a misogynistic society, we can’t talk about the word bitch being used in today’s music when female artists use the word bitch in today’s music. If we talk about any of those subjects without placing some accountability on the women who are just as guilty, then again, it is hypocrisy at it’s finest.

You're NOT going to be sucessful attempting to convice me that we can flip that word, because I am going to keep bringing you back to the original defintion. I do pray that I can be sucessful in telling you your DIVINE nature, your purpose and the beauty of embracing WOMANHOOD.

 

My View: It's funny how some black women will flip out on a man for calling them a B, but think nothing of referring to themselves as such. I feel like this, women can't get upset at men for calling them B's & H's if they refer to themselves as such. Whenever I hear the B word discussed on Facebook or in the streets, I say this: A b***h is an unruly female dog; you know what happens to unruly dogs, they get put to sleep. Like Ms. Nojma states: A b***h is nothing to be proud of. Where are the women that will check a man who calls her that word?