Strawberry Letter: I would like some knowledge on how to handle this matter. The problem I am having is that is that my wife and my mother do NOT get along at this current time! I am African American and my wife is Caucasian. We also have two bi-racial children. There has been tension between my mother and wife since I returned back from overseas. When we were just dating, my mom would always call and check up on my wife, but after we got married it seemed that the relationship between the two started to spiral out of control. There has been two occasions. On the first occasion, I had a Re-integration meeting with my unit arriving from deployment and for some reason, my mother was in an ill mood over my wife choosing to sit in a different part of the room. My wife soon started to notice that there was a bad vibe at that time. Shortly thereafter, we headed back to our home along with my mother and sister. At a particular point they started to argue and name call so much it made me sick to my stomach and upset. For a while, they would not talk and my children could not see my side of the family because my wife refused to be around them at the time. After that storm blew over, they slowly started to make amends be respectful of one another. On the second occasion, we went to visit my mother on Easter Sunday and everything was going fine until my nephew got a scratch under his eye. My mother automatically blamed my wife of doing something to him, when it was clearly my daughter who had a toy she was waving around and accidentally hit my nephew in the face, in which I witnessed. My mom started to curse, yell and shout at my wife and at that time I told my wife that we were leaving, so we left. Later on, my wife told me that she did not want to be, nor the kids around my mom. This hurts me terribly because I love my mother. She raised all four of my siblings and myself on her own as a single parent and I respect her for that. But, I feel that my kids will suffer from most of this nonsense. They hardly ever get to see my side of the family as it is and they love it anytime they are around their cousins from my side of the family. I don’t know what to do sometimes and would like your opinion. Should I go against my wife’s wishes and take them to see my mother and family when she goes to work or should I just let it go and keep the distance and contribute to my kids not getting to see and know their family? I’m torn between the two, what should I do?
My Response: It's sad when your mother and wife can't get along, and the kids are suffering through most of this garbage. The mother-in-law and wife are under no obligation to get along, but they can be civil for the children's sake. They think the children aren't paying attention, but they are. Kids are very perceptive; they know when something's not right. As the head of household, he needs to squash this since the mother and wife won't. It's always tough to see your mother and wife battling, but that's life. Situations like this will make someone choose between their wife and mother. A mother is a man's first example of a woman, so it's understandable if he sides with mom. Once a man takes a woman to be his wife, the wife becomes first priority. There's a reason why the mother doesn't like her son's wife, and it could be because of her race. Even though great strides have been made in race relations, we still have a ways to go before we reach equality. He doesn't have to have his wife's approval to take the children around his family, just do it. The kids deserve to see their father's side of the family; after all, the children do enjoy seeing their cousins from dad's side, so even if mom and wife can't co-exist, the kids don't have to suffer because the adults want to act stupid. He needs to tell his mother that although he loves and respects her, his first priority is to his wife. If she can't be civil to his wife, then she runs the risk of not seeing her grandchildren. Period. Sometimes, a man must put his foot down for his wife even if that means his relationship could be damaged with his mother or immediate family member.
