When All Else Fails, Stand & Keep Walking

Everyone has been at this point in life. They have done all they can to improve their situation and it seems nothing is working. They pray & pray and it's like things are getting worse before they get better. It shouldn't be like that but because we live in a fallen world, that's how life rocks at times. I don't know about you, but I've been here many times in my life where I've done all I can do and then some so I get to a point where I need to just STAND. In standing, that's when God shows up & shows out. It has taken me a while to get to this point but now that I'm here, I have to dig in the trenches and do whatever it takes to make it. It gets tempting to quit but I'm too stubborn for that. I refuse to look back with regrets because I gave up at the finish line. It's when you get closer to the finish line that you get an extra push. It's the extra boost that can mean the difference between success & failure. No one wants to be a failure, do they? I should hope not. There's something about keeping it moving when you have every reason to quit. You want to give up but somehow you find the strength to keep going because when you make it, the blood, sweat & tears was worth it. Resilience doesn't come overnight, you have to develop that aspect of your personality. I feel bad for people who were at the brink of success but quit because of the constant disappointment; they almost reached their goals but decided to quit right at the finish line. I couldn't live like that because you get one life so it's important to make the most of it. If making the most of your life means you have to fight to get where you want & need to be, so be it. The victory will be worth it in the end. Nothing worthwhile in life comes easy, you have to fight for it. When you've done all you can, JUST STAND! Everything will be alright.

Never Let Someone Define You, Write Your Novel

I can't understand why anyone would let someone define them, that's flaw to me. If God wanted someone else to define us, he would've done so but because he made us different, being the same as everyone is not the move. One thing about me is that I've never been defined by other people, nor will I allow that to happen. I embrace myself to the fullest, good & bad while trying to turn the bad into good. When you march to the beat of your own drum, no one can take that away from you. Marching to the beat of your drum allows you to call YOUR shots; you determine how far you go in life. When you are defined by someone, they have their agenda and will force it on you. They probably don't mean to but when you have no individuality, that's what happens: You allow someone to define you. People change like clothes so one minute they think the world of you, and the next they can't stand you. This is why I don't take stock in what people say about me (good or bad) because people are fickle. My self-esteem is high enough so I don't have room for someone's definition of me. I appreciate everyone who thinks highly of me but as stated before, I don't let anyone define me except GOD. There's nothing like you defining yourself (with the proper exception of Jesus) because when you know who you are, people can speak ill of you and it won't phase you because you already know what to expect. People who let someone else define them have no backbone; they are people-pleasers because they're focused on others' approval they lose their sense of self. They may finally reach a point where they are tired of letting someone define them so they decide to step out. It's unsettling to Person A because they are so used to calling the shots that when Person B wakes up, all Person A has to do is pull our their Ace card and depending on how strong Person B is, the person may or may not allow themselves to be pulled back into being defined by someone else. No one can write your novel like you, so don't give someone that power.

Change The Inside Before The Outside

I shake my head at people who think they can find happiness by changing the exteriors of their situation (bank account, job, education, etc.). These same folks need to realize that you can't change the outside unless you fix the inside. Simply put, fix the interiors before you work on the exterior. This seems to be prevalent in relationships because you have men & women that aren't satisfied with their appearance so they go to great lengths to change the exterior thinking that will give them the happiness they desire. It goes deeper than that because they look good on the outside but they feel like crap internally. What they don't get is that they need to work on the 'insides' first (Self-worth/confidence/esteem, sense of direction, etc) or they'll get what they've always gotten. If you feel good internally, you'll feel good externally. The two aren't mutually exclusive but some people think you have to change the outside in order to be happy on the inside. It's like someone who underwent a dramatic weight loss. They look & feel better but many of them will never forget the gross disrespect they endured based on their size. You have to unload previous baggage so you won't bring that into new relationships because nobody wants to deal with someone with a negative disposition. I know I don't. It wouldn't be fitting for someone that has their stuff together to be a person's doctor. Very few people have the patience to heal someone's hurt. You don't have to be in a relationship to understand this concept. Changing The Inside Before You Change The Outside can apply to interpersonal relationships as well. Body language can tell more about a person than words ever will.

You Can't Get Strong Without Endurance

One of the hallmarks of strength training is endurance. When you are lifting weights, the object is to build strength in that muscle. As you crank out sets, the muscle gets stronger through endurance, which is being able to withstand intense pressure for a period of time. If you are looking to get seriously strong, you tax your body with strenuous strength training so you can reap the benefits. Life works the same way because every trial & tribulation you go through produces endurance, which in turn causes you to become stronger even though it may seem like the trial is never-ending. Life wasn't intended to have ups & downs but since Adam & Eve disobeyed God by eating the forbidden fruit, sin entered the world and that's why there's so much drama in the world today. From a Christian standpoint, God gives each person their individual assignments to complete, each comes with a definite time period. Some people have shorter assignments, others have longer assignments but ultimately, God's people have a divine assignment. There are times where God's people pray against a situation because they don't want to go through the fire (I count myself here) but when they come out, they are more refined than ever because the fire burns away impurities. God will not put anymore on people than they can bear but at the same time he's trying to teach patience. I'm the first to tell people that patience IS NOT a virtue for me. I want what I want, when I want it *shrug* I'm a continual work in progress in that arena. When God sees fit to release you from the assignment, he will. Until then, stay the course and keep fighting. Every time I've prayed against a divine situation (ordered by God), it prolongs the assignment so I'm continually learning to stay focused in the heat of battle. This blog reminds me of the adage "Patience Is A Virtue". Yes, patience is a virtue if you are trying to learn an important character trait but I think impatience can be healthy also. Impatience is a virtue if you're not willing to settle. It gives you the drive to keep going until you see your desire(s) manifested. I used to dislike impatience but I've grown to embrace it especially if it will keep me focused.

Don't Lead If You Don't Like What Follows

Everybody wants to be a leader but nobody wants the responsibility. Most people who aspire to leadership have ulterior motives such as fame & fortune or in worst cases, the authority to "throw their weight around". People don't realize that leaders have tremendous responsibility. Leaders cannot be afraid to make difficult decisions even if they don't agree. A leader has to remain calm under pressure because his/her subordinates look to them for guidance and if the leader cracks, that means trouble for the entire team. Leaders have to put their agenda(s) aside for the greater good & most importantly, they have to work with various personalities. A leader just can't think about him/herself, they have to consider others' in the decisions they make. While they take others' feelings into consideration, a leader must understand that they cannot please everybody. Once they learn this concept, everything will be so much better. I'm going to be honest: There are people in leadership that DON'T BELONG THERE. Either they are power-hungry or they have no idea what true leadership entails. At its core, a leader is a servant. The reason I say a leader is a servant is because they work for others' benefit. In the corporate realm, the CEO is the highest ranking executive but even the CEO has to answer to the Board Of Directors. The CEO's decisions must be satisfactory to the board or he could be replaced. A leader must be strong enough to endure criticism or (s)he won't last. Everyone won't agree with his/her decisions but that's not the leader's fault. No matter the decision, some people will never be satisfied so they will find fault in everything. That's their problem, not the leader's. Many people ascending into leadership realize they moved into leadership too fast and need a little more grooming. They get in over their heads and the controversy surrounding leadership gets to them. As a leader, all eyes are on you. There are people that seek to undermine a leader every chance they get so a person in authority must be EXTRA careful for those types. Anyone (myself included) that aspires to leadership must understand one principle: If you want to wear the crown, take responsibility for the ups & downs.

The Cost Of Being Right

Some people have an obsession with being right like it gives them a high. They will go to great lengths to prove their case to a person that has no intention of receiving their stance. Nobody has to accept you being right. If you have supporting facts for your argument, that's all you need. You've won by default of having facts to back up your statements. People can believe what they want. Many relationships have gone sour because both parties are too busy trying to be right. People need to let some things GO because in the grand scheme of things, it's not that serious. It's ok to be passionate in your views but at the same time, respect the fact that maybe you don't know everything; maybe the other person has a valid point after all. I'm the first to tell you I don't know, nor do I claim to know everything. If I don't know something, I look it up. The #1 reason why my life has been drama free is because I make my points (with supporting facts) and go on. I don't have time to go back & forth with people stuck in their ways. I'm at the point where I have nothing to prove to anyone. As long as I do what needs to be done, salt being thrown on my name doesn't matter because my REAL riders know what's up. If people are stupid enough to believe hearsay, I have nothing for them. How many relationships could be saved if one or both people learned how to overlook some things? Note I put some because there are issues that need to be confronted. If it's a miniscule discussion that doesn't have great bearings, then that should get a pass. It's not affecting your daily life so it's not worth it trying to be right on small matters. You're right, but your marriage is failing; You're right, but your finances are in the tank; You're right but all your friendships are on the rocks because you won't learn to overlook small matters. I guess some people want to prove their right because they don't want to show weakness. After all, you aren't supposed to show weakness, correct?

Lazy Men

Is it me or has today's man become lazy? The reason I ask is because it seems like today's men want something for nothing. They want the shine, but not the grind. The mark of a lazy man is when he makes plans with no action. You can talk all you want about what you want, what you're going to do this, that and the third but unless you put hustle behind those desires, you're just sounding brass and tinking cymbals. 1 Timothy 5:8 (The Message) reinforces this: "^3-8Take care of widows who are destitute. If a widow has family members to take care of her, let them learn that religion begins at their own doorstep and that they should pay back with gratitude some of what they have received. This pleases God immensely. You can tell a legitimate widow by the way she has put all her hope in God, praying to him constantly for the needs of others as well as her own. But a widow who exploits people's emotions and pocketbooks—well, there's nothing to her. Tell these things to the people so that they will do the right thing in their extended family. Anyone who neglects to care for family members in need repudiates the faith. That's worse than refusing to believe in the first place. " If the Bible places great importance on a man being a hard worker, then why are men so slothful? A man prides himself on being a hard worker to where he feels useless if he's not doing something. Some of these young men think nothing of letting their woman take care of the house and have the nerve to flex like he's king. Last time I checked, a king is someone who works to make life better for those under him. Ever since I was a young lad, I was working around the house which prepared me for when I got my first job at 14. That work ethic I picked up from my dad showed me I had to work for everything I wanted. Working for what you want gives you a greater appreciation because it was with your blood, sweat and tears. I feel like I'm the only man with a work ethic. With the vision I have, I have to keep a work ethic because it's on me to make the most of my life. I can't depend on nobody (other than Jesus) to get me where I want & need to be. I live by the motto: It's Out There For The Taking. Some of these men need to step their game up.

Relationship Pride

The #1 reason why most relationships fail is pride. Both parties are too busy trying to be right instead of understanding the other person's viewpoint. There is a time to confront and a time to fall back. You can't be in battle/CIA mode all the time because it gets old. People want the freedom to be themselves without having to walk on eggshells. Some things people need to be called on but if it's not that serious, let it go. When two people come together as one, they bring their own outlook(s) into the relationship. They won't agree 24-7 but a couple should have some mutual understanding of what they will & won't tolerate. This keeps order in the relationship so it won't degenerate into a free-for-all. Nobody wants to be with someone that feels like they always have to get the last word, can never admit fault. They would leave him/her and so would I. I've got pride just as much as the next person but I know when to fall back, especially if I have a strong case and the person refuses to hear my side. Nothing much you can do except state your case and move on. Why waste time trying to plead your side to a person that's set in their ways? That energy would be better spent towards a noble cause. Pride is also a major factor in relationship disagreements because the man has his agenda for how the relationship should work and the woman has hers. Both should be able to have a civil discussion about expectations and if an agreement can't be reached, maybe it's best if the couple split because there's bound to be constant friction. Is it too much to overlook an offense if it's not hurting the relationship? I don't think so. Don't sweat the small stuff if it's not going to endanger the relationship. I also feel if you don't tighten up on small issues, they can become big issues that are too much to handle.

The Grass Is Greener, Part 2

Speaking from a professional viewpoint, when a man or woman accepts a job/promotion, they do so because they want to move up. When they first accepted the job, they had a vision for where they wanted to be and a promotion confirmed that. In this economy, there's no such thing as job security due to layoffs. What is an employee to do when (s)he accepts an offer BUT continues to interview for other positions? In theory, you should stick with the first offer you get especially if the job has everything you're looking for and then some. With this economy, you have to do what's best for you employment wise. If you have a great job, yes you should be thankful and hold onto it but at the same time, keep your options open. What if you find the job that's TRULY yours and you want that one instead? It would be tough to turn down a promotion at your current job because something better came along. The job market isn't like it used to be so again, all options must be kept open to protect against layoffs. Layoffs are a part of the business world so it's important to have a Plan B. In 2012, it's not smart having your job being your sole income source so at the very least, you should have a side hustle that you can eventually focus on full-time. The best way to insulate yourself against layoffs is by having another job already lined up before you walk out on your present position. This way, the thought of how you're going to make it won't be an issue because you already have your cards in order. The issue with accepting a job/promotion is word will get back to your employer and you'll find yourself in the unemployment line all over again because most companies will expect you to choose between their job or another one. Companies are looking out for themselves even with layoffs so an employee has to do the same. If a company lets you go because you won't take the first offer, they helped you make the right decision because you found out where they really stood. It's rare for somebody to stay with one company for 20+ years without having to ponder the possibility of a layoff. Companies have no loyalty to their employees so why should an employee be loyal to a company? I support everybody who keeps their options open by taking a job/promotion and continuing to interview elsewhere just in case they may find a better job that pays more, offers a better benefits package or one that's conducive to what that person is looking for. I also believe that jobs are hard to come by so if you get an offer, you should take it and move on. It may not be the job you want but use it as a stepping stone to something better.

Conversation Says All?

This came off a Facebook friend of mine's wall: "When I meet a woman, within 3 seconds I know if I have a physical attraction. Within 3 minutes of a conversation, I know whether I have a mental connection. Within 3 conversations (if she ...gets that far), I know whether I have a spiritual, emotional, and social connection. Then, she is placed in one of 3 categories in my life: networking friend, platonic friend, or courtship friend. The last one is only for the RARE women." Can conversation determine the length of a relationship? I think so because conversation helps people get to know each other. It's in conversation that you find out someone's life vision & outlook. I feel conversation says a lot about a person. If someone cannot converse about politics, education and the world around them, they will be deemed as ignorant because they have no concept of the world around them. I look at a woman's conversation ability before getting to know her. If she can't discuss anything other than going to the club, getting her hair done or shopping, I determine her conversational skills as lacking. Nobody wants to be with someone that cannot hold a decent conversation, myself included. I can discuss sports and music with the best of them but I know more about the world around me and that's more important. If you're walking in discernment, it won't take long to discover a fraud. That's where you learn discernment, through conversation. If you don't have a good feeling about someone through conversation, that's a sign you two are better off as friends or going your separate ways. Most people have little to no discernment, which means what someone can identify in seconds, it takes longer for somebody else. I want to have deep conversations because those conversations are more memorable than who won last night's game or what shoes you got from the mall yesterday. What does she want 3,5 or 10 years from now? When you're talking to someone that cracks jokes 24-7, anyone would assume they don't know when to be serious. So, conversation can and does tell a lot about a person.

Relationship Expectations

When meeting someone for the first time, you're trying to get to know them. How far the relationship goes will depend on the couple's compatibility. A couple has to be compatible in ALL aspects in order for a relationship to work, nothing can be out of alignment. If a man has expectations for how he wants the relationship to go, it would behoove the woman to take notes so she can be the best for him and herself. In an ideal world, we would accept others as they are but that isn't true by a long shot. Let's be honest, nobody is willing to take someone as they are. It's said if a person shows you who they are, believe them. 9 times out of 10 that assessment is spot on because they are showing you their true colors right off the bat and it's on you if you can love them past their flaws. If not, don't waste your time and theirs by forcing a relationship to work because you're too busy trying to change him/her. You can't change a person, only they can change themselves by choice. I've never understood how somebody can get with a person and expect to mold them into their ideal man/woman. If that person has personality/character flaws that are deal breakers for you and you can't handle that, keep it moving. They're good for someone, just not you. The sooner people learn this, the better off they will be. It's good to want someone on your level and most people find someone that's right for them (as they should) but as time goes on, people change and sometimes for better or worse. What gets me is people who have these expectations for their mate but they have NOTHING to bring to the table themselves. How can you require the world of someone when you're not willing to offer the same in return? That's silly. Be the person you want to attract.

Nice Isn't Enough

Ask anyone what they look for in a man/woman and the first thing that comes to mind is "a nice guy" or "a nice woman". Sounds good right? Right, until you really start getting to know him/her. What I'm getting at is just because a man or woman is nice, doesn't mean they're right for you. It takes more than being nice to make a relationship work. A couple has to be in sync for a relationship to work. Just because a person is nice doesn't mean that you should be in a relationship with them. They could be nice with no goals and ambition, they could be nice and make stupid decisions. So being a nice person is important when coupled with other important attributes. On the other hand, you have ambitious people with personality/character flaws whereas you have a nice person that's content at their level but wants to do right by you. It boils down to what one will/won't accept. I have standards like the next person but if I meet a God-sent woman who's on my level but is lacking in some areas, I'll work with her on where she's lacking because I believe in helping my lady be the best she can be in all areas of her life. They could have the looks, the fat bankroll and all of the material trappings, but are morally, spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. Being nice is a wonderful trait to have if it's combined with other important character traits. A man does everything for his woman to get in her good graces which is good but over time, she may start outgrowing him because she's wondering if there's more to this guy than just being nice. She enjoys the benefit(s) but doesn't want the person. He was led to believe he would have a future with her. Here's a classic line most men & women use: "You're a nice man/woman but you're not the one for me". Nice isn't enough, more has to be brought to the table in order for a happy relationship. There will be someone who appreciates a nice person for who they are, not what they can become, or what benefits they provide.

Doing God's bidding

This commentary is titled "Doing God's Bidding." What does Doing God's bidding entail? It's simple. Anytime you try to alter God's intended purpose, you're trying to do God's bidding and you can't do that. Many times Christians (myself included) pray according to their selfish desires and not according to God's will. Yes, God wants us to present our requests but our prayers have to line up with his purpose. True, he will answer our prayers (that's good) but he usually answers in a way that's far better than we could ever imagine or he gives us a different answer. Whether we like the answer is irrelevant to God. Why do people try to alter God's plans & ways? Is it because deep down they don't trust him to have their best interest in mind? I think that's it because some people feel they know themselves better than God and by trying to alter his outcome, it gives them the upper hand. It may work for a moment, but in the end God will ALWAYS call the shots. It kills me when people try to argue with God, knowing they're not going to win. God calls the shots so people need to roll with it or get rolled over. Yes, we will never understand why he does what he does or allows what he does but ultimately, it's for our own good and most of all, HIS GLORY. I'm continually learning this lesson. The sooner people realize that God's in control, the better off most of us will be. Besides, when we try to do it on our own we usually foul up and God cleans up our mess.

Embracing The Struggle

It's a given every man & woman wants someone on their level, there's nothing wrong with that. Would it be wrong for a man or woman to turn down their soulmate when they're trying to come up? Yes, we all want someone who has it together but there's something to be said for taking someone on while they are bettering themselves. You get to see them in action and give them a helping hand when they get discouraged. If I met a woman and I knew she was right for me, I would take her on while she's coming up because I could be her strength when she is weak. Once she makes it, I will get to share in her blessing because I was there when she had little and I will be there when she has much. I read a quote by Will Smith that said "If you were absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present for my success" It amazes me how some people want to take credit for another's blessing but they weren't around when (s)he was grinding day in & out to get where they want to be. You weren't there when at times they had to cry because setback after setback presented itself and they knew God wanted them to go this route but all of a sudden that person makes it and you're attracted to them. You get mad when he/she turns you down. You can uplift someone without having to struggle with them. The best way to uplift a person is to give them knowledge they can use to improve themselves, then once you see them progress maybe you can revisit a relationship with them. The problem with that is nobody's going to wait around for anyone to get themselves together. They either come into a relationship on point or not at all. It would be stupid to want to "carry" someone in a relationship. Nobody should have to carry ANYONE in relationships. This is why I plan on staying single for as long as possible because I want to be on point as much as possible so when Ms.Right comes into my life, we will be whole which makes us a power couple. Relationships are more successful when both people are on the same page. Being on the same page involves the man and woman being of one accord financially, spiritually and physically. If any one of those are out of alignment, the relationship may not last. It's disgusting to the DNA to look down on someone because of their occupation. So because a brother or sister works at McD's, they aren't relationship material? THAT'S FLAW. The most successful people were not born with a silver spoon, they have had humble beginnings. President Obama's FIRST job was an ice-cream scooper at Baskin Robbins in 1979. Women probably looked down on him back then and probably many of those same women are checking for him now. There are good women that will stand by a man and watch him come up; those are the good women a man is supposed to hold onto.

 

Putting Your Man or Woman Before Your Child(ren)

I can't fathom why any parent would put their desire for a man/woman ahead of their children. That's crazy to me. I read a FB status from a woman that was so bold to state she was giving up her child because she can't stand being alone. She said she would be disappointed but I doubt it. Anyway, no man or woman should put their desire for a mate above their children. That mate is gonna come & go, but your child(ren) will always be there. Your children were there before him or her. Women like that disgust me and then they wonder why no man wants them. A real man will not join with a woman that doesn't handle her parental business. If somebody is going to be that shallow to put their mate ahead of their child, they need Jesus. Some of the men are no better especially if they co-sign her. When it comes to children, they take precedence over a person's want/need for a mate. If it's meant for a single parent to be in a relationship, it will happen on God's time, not his/hers. The right mate who comes along will have to accept her & the children. That's why some single parents have a hard time finding suitable mates because the person refuses to accept the child(ren). They're ok with dating the man/woman, but they cannot accept the child(ren). You cannot have one without the other. Am I the only man in existence who wouldn't ask a woman to put me ahead of her kid(s)? I must be. Putting your mate ahead of your child(ren) leads to greater selfishness and may probably result in the relationship being over.

Continual Forgiveness

Question from a Facebook status: How forgiving would you be if your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you? Would you forgive them and could you move on from that? What if you were married? I hope I never have to answer these questions should I get into a relationship because I will have clear-cut boundaries of what will & won't work. Should she leave because I enforce zero tolerance, that's her problem & not mine. If this happened to me, I would forgive her but I could never trust her again because trust is a sacred component in a relationship; once you break that trust, it can never be repaired and if so, it takes a LOT of work. Just because I would forgive her, doesn't mean I would take her back. I would have to release her because she couldn't respect our bond so why should I keep someone around that's going to suck the joy from my life? That's flaw. There are people that will forgive (as they should) and take a cheating person back. I know to each their own, but I think it's ridiculous to take a cheater back. By taking him/her back, you are sending a message that you accept their transgression and they have free will to hurt you again & again. Why give anyone that power? They showed their lack of committment to you via cheating so you have every right to cut them loose. It's no different in marriage. In marriage, you have for better or worse and while cheating counts as the "worse", it doesn't mean you have to excuse cheating behavior. I will never understand how some people can keep forgiving and taking back a cheating spouse. I would forgive a cheating spouse but the trust will never be the same. She would have to work doubly hard to regain my trust (if I took her back). It would depend on emotional level for me. Letting a person cheat on you shows your neediness & weakness because if you can overlook cheating, you will overlook what you need to confront. It's said that people entrust the other person with their heart when two people come together as one. Unlike some people, I take relationships very seriously. When I get with a woman, she will know off top that I only have eyes for HER. I could never cheat on my lady because of what it would do to her and me. This may be a little harsh but it needs to be said: If someone takes a cheater back, they deserve whatever further hurt the cheater is sure to unleash. The victim could've nipped it in the bud by forgiving him/her and then letting them loose.