Cold Feet

Repost From A Friend: Between listening to my Christian program, hearing people share their stories, etc., I always hear about someone that put their trust in another person and end up with nothing. How does this happen? I can never surrender my all, just not happening. And certainly not giving up my money and trusting another person with my wellbeing and survival. NEVER.

 

My View: Cold feet is a term used to describe the nervousness couples feel when they're about to get married. So many thoughts run through their mind, from not being a good wife/husband to being a perfect parent. Those feelings are normal because it shows some people take marriage seriously. You're making vows to each other, and to God to hold each other down through the good, the bad, and the ugly. You don't know someone until you see them at their worst. Anybody who has followed Real Housewives of Atlanta knows what I'm talking about. Porsha Stewart was married to former pro football player Kordell Stewart. They're in the middle of a nasty divorce, and on a recent Atlanta Housewives episode, Kordell packed Porsha's things and sent them to her mother's home. Kordell must've been really upset with Porsha for him to do what he did. Honestly, I didn't see Porsha and Kordell working out anyway because Kordell was a little controlling. Porsha had to get permission from him to go spend time with her friends, he gave her a monthly stipend, etc. I guess Porsha was so desperate for a man that she didn't take time to get to know Kordell. Porsha was a doormat, and Kordell capitalized on that. What I'm saying is this: When you're meeting someone for the first time, they will paint themselves in a good light. Why wouldn't (s)he? Their goal is to attract someone they can spend their life with. If you're upfront about your faults, that can turn some people off because although no one's perfect, people do want to know your good qualities. As time goes on, you share your flaws/faults with the other person. After sharing, it's on them to figure out the next step. When you marry a person, you're stepping out on faith. You're trusting that you made the right decision with God's guidance. You're entrusting your wellbeing to someone else, to care for you like your parents have. It takes a lot to trust someone with your heart, and believe that they will take good care of it. In today's world, trust is uncertain because you don't know if a person's an opportunist; looking to marry you for what you can do for them. Opportunists do exist; they come into your life to use you for their benefit, and leave. They got what they wanted, and have no more use for you. People used to stay together for 50+ years (those couples exist, but they're rare), now you have couples getting divorces after 1 year or even a few months. The above Repost From A Friend proves that marriage isn't for everyone, and it's not. Some people don't want the headaches that come with marriage.



Affection Or No Affection?

 

Scenario: A married woman is caught between two men she loves dearly: 1. Her husband shows her no affection, and 2. Another gentleman who worships the ground she walks on. Her husband feels that they're together for life, regardless of whether he gives her affection or not. This other man is 16 years her junior.

 

My View: I agree with the husband. Regardless of whether a man shows his woman affection or not, they're together for life. My question to her is, why would she marry her husband if he's not showing her affection? It's no surprise that women need touch several times a day. Women thrive on affection, because it makes them feel loved. A man can go days, weeks, or months without affection and he's fine. You won't hear a man complaining about his woman not showing him love, because some men have other things to occupy their time. A man has to truly love his woman in order to show her the affection she needs. If a man isn't being affectionate with his woman, something's wrong. Either he's cheating with another woman, or he doesn't find his wife attractive. This young man is playing on her emotions. He's telling her what feels good, but he doesn't want a relationship with her. If she was single, it would be a different story. He worships the ground she walks on, because he's not living with her. Here's what I know about men who sleep with married women: They like easy targets, but when you leave your husband and he has to do the heavy lifting, you will be wishing you stayed. Nothing to think about; finish this with the other guy, and work on your marriage. Did it occur to you that you do not have your husband's affection, because he knows he doesn't have yours? Any man will lay with her and talk mess, but won't marry her. She has it twisted; her marriage is loveless because she's giving her loving to another man. Has she tried telling her husband how she feels? Most people don't do that. Cut ties with the young man for a moment, then she needs to tell her husband how she feels, and tell him what she"will" do if he doesn't shape up. If that doesn't wake him up, or he gets angry, yet still doesn't want to change, then she has her answer. Get a divorce, and make a clean break. True, marriage isn't something you just up and throw away, but its only worth salvaging if "both" parties are working to make it better. Otherwise, she's wasting her time. This is  assuming that the problem isn't her.

Never Been In A Relationship=Suspect?

Everywhere you turn, it seems like someone's in a relationship. Your loved ones are getting engaged, married, or just starting out as a couple. I'm happy for everyone who has found their special someone, because you have someone to share your heart with. At the same time, getting into a relationship is like stepping out on faith because you're uncertain of whether this person is for you. You lay your heart on the line with no certainty as to whether (s)he will reciprocate. There's a stigma that someone who's never been in a relationship wouldn't know how to handle one, and I say that's false. Just because you've never been in a committed relationship doesn't mean you wouldn't know what to do. I'm in relationships everyday with my loved ones, and the knowledge I learn; if God sees fit for me to be in a relationship, I will apply to my relationship with my woman. During the friendship, you're being evaluated as a potential life partner. How you fare as a friend, determines how you will do as a significant other. If you're vibing with someone as a friend, you two will usually get along great as a couple. It doesn't mean there won't be clashes, but the history you two have will not allow a beautiful bond to go sour. Remembering how you two got through rough times as friends will carry over into your committed relationship. I look at things different in this topic: Someone who's never been in a relationship can know what to do just as much as an experienced person. If you take your friendships, and apply that knowledge to a committed relationship, you can know what to look for just the same as someone who's been in a relationship before. What raises red-flags to me is people who've been in multiple relationships in a short time. They jump from one (wo)man to another, because they don't want to be alone. If you can't handle being single, there's no way you can handle being with someone. Then again, when I look at people who've never been in a relationship, I see them as complacent. They're used to being solo, so they've accepted that they aren't cut out for a committed relationship. It's bonkers that something is assumed to be wrong with a person who's never had a relationship, and they're over 30. Some people don't want a relationship for the simple reason of accountability. Being in a relationship involves being accountable to someone else, and everyone doesn't want that. You have to compromise, deal with another person's issues, etc. That's too much for anyone, honestly. Some people see relationships as restricting, because it won't allow them the freedom to be who they are.

Selfish & Friends: Straight From My Inbox

Selfish & Friends

STRAIGHT FROM MY INBOX:
My husband now wants a paternity test of our 14 year old son after he watched some show on TV! I refuse to give him one because it's stupid and pointless. Yes, I cheated on him but I was young and dumb then and I didn't value our marriage. But just because he watched some show is not a reason for a test. What do y'all think?

 

My Response: This is where Maury gets his material from. She was young & dumb, and didn't value the marriage so she stepped out on her man. That's a reason *sarcasm*. Men, this is why you need to be careful who you lay down with because some of these women are foul. There's no telling how many men she's been with; she's listed herself as only being with her baby's dad, but you just don't know. Shows like Maury paint a valid picture about the court system; women sleeping with random men and not knowing who the baby's father is, so she gets a DNA test to find the baby's true father. I'm not going through all that, so that's why I don't put myself in precarious situations. The sad thing is, she doesn't seem to care. He's right to ask for a paternity test, SHE CHEATED! If he was smart, he wouldn't have laid down with her, but that's too much like right. Situations like this happen far too often, and the child suffers. I know I've never been in this situation (thank God I'm not), but stuff like this makes me jaded. What if I meet a woman and we produce a child? Is she going to be honest about me being the only man she's been with? Who knows. I've said this before & I'll say it again: People don't respect marriage. A couple gets married, gets bored with each other and they decide to spice things up: 3somes, swinging, and the infamous open marriage. You're either married or you're not. There's no such thing as an open marriage. Men, keep your thing in your pants.

Random Thoughts

1. People will always cheat because there's someone willing to cheat with them; think about it, it's true.

2. "I Need A Man That Can Handle Me"-Miss, you're grown, you should be able to handle yourself.

3. Some women are quick to say what a real man does, but when a man flips the script and says what a real man should do, it's a problem.

4. Cold weather is not the time for cuffing someone's (wo)man, because you have to return them like a library book.

5. Relationships have to be 100-100. It's not dividing everything in half, but giving everything you've got.

6. The 80's & 90's were the best television decade. You had A'Team, Magnum P.I., Alf, Hunter, etc.

7. Preachers of L.A. wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It's good to see shows depicting preachers as regular human beings.

8. A fight requires two participants. If one person walks away, the person walking away wins every time. Let the one looking for a fight look stupid.

9. The level of your destiny should determine your marital status. Look at President Obama: Husband, father, and president of the US; that's A LOT of responsibility for one man.

10. I shared a Facebook photo of an 18-year old dog who was blind & toothless. The owners gave them up, because they got tired of him. Wow...why get a pet if you're not going to care for it long term? El Stupido.

11. People approach marriage like a contract: What's In It For Me? How Can I Benefit? With that mindset, no wonder the divorce rate is over 50% for first marriages.

12. Some women think they're winning by being the side chick, but in reality, they're losing. The man is only with you for sex.

13. It's easier to deflect, rather than reflect.

14. It must be nice to be self-made; getting ahead without the support & help of others. All you have is your hustle and intellect.

15. Something's wrong when Christians have a higher divorce rate than the rest of society as a whole.

16. Having one disability is bad enough, but to have multiple disabilities? That's heartbreaking. How bad could someone's genetics be to where they're born with multiple disorders? Goodness.

17. Just like women have no use for a man with no direction, men have no use for a woman who has no ambition. She wants to ride his coattails.

18. What Do you bring to the table? I brought my own table, what about you? You don't have one? I'm sorry, exit stage left.

19. A guy breaks up with his woman over compliments & likes from a Facebook photo...craziness.

20. Know when to hold them, know when to fold them.

I Will Not Marry You

Every woman in a relationship looks forward to their man proposing to them. That is the ultimate goal in courting, to lead to marriage. What happens when she says no? That's the ultimate dagger in a man's heart, because he's looking forward to making his fiancee his wife, and she says no. When a woman says no, it could be for several reasons: She's not ready for marriage. Let's be honest, marriage is a big responsibility. You have to ask yourself these questions: 1. Can I love this person past their flaws? 2. Am I truly the (wo)man (s)he is looking for? 3. Will I love them through the rough times? 4. Am I, the husband, willing to seek God for direction for my family? 5. Is (s)he willing to put my desires ahead of his? Those 5 questions are what every couple leaning towards marriage should ask. The answers to those questions will determine the future progression. Oprah is a good example; her and her man live together but don't want marriage. She says she can't live up to the responsibility of marriage, and I respect that. Not everyone wants the responsibility of marriage, but they want marriage benefits. How good is your relationship with yourself? Do you know you? Are you at peace with yourself? These should be the first questions you ask a person when meeting them. If they can't answer the questions, that doesn't necessarily mean they aren't suitable as a mate. Just make sure they have a willingness to figure these things out and go from there. Your purpose might be to help lead them to that peace or purpose. How well one knows themself determines if they're ready for marriage. If a person's used to being single with no accountability, then marriage wouldn't be a good look. They meet a marriage-minded (wo)man, and things are going smooth until the question is popped: Will you marry me? All of a sudden, crickets chirping. Once things are carefully thought out, (s)he realizes they aren't ready to be tied down, so the woman is crushed because he got her hopes up. The moral of this commentary is to know yourself. Know what you can & can't deal with. If you propose to your spouse, and they say no, end the relationship and both of you go your separate ways.

Church Politics

The last couple of nights (Sunday & yesterday) had me ticked off, so I'll address Church politics. I'm not going into the details, but hear me when I say this: Politics have no place in church because of hidden agendas. Some people get into church leadership to push their agenda, and the politics get worse if board members are cool with some of the congregation. The congregation speaks into his/her ear, and that board member will vote in favor of their supporters. In this aspect, church politics and general politics go hand in hand. Church is supposed to be a hospital, where sick people come for healing. Almost every religious organization has a leadership team which consist of a Bishop, who's the head of the organization, and his leadership team. The Bishop and leadership team is tasked with overseeing the hundreds of churches under it's umbrella. From time to time, the Bishop will travel to a few churches as a guest speaker. Other times, he (the Bishop) or a representative will show up just to monitor church operations. When a pastor resigns or retires from a church, the Bishop & leadership board, as well as the church board come together and seek God for the next pastor. This process can take anywhere from 6-12 months, or longer. When searching for a pastor, that requires serious consideration. Is he filled with the Holy Spirit? Is the pastor of high moral standing, and if so, does he have people he's accountable to? A pastor with no accountability is a dangerous person because (s)he's left unchecked. That pastor can push whatever agenda they see fit. Now, onto the good part: I said that every church has a board, right? Correct. You would think that a CHURCH board is able to seek God together for the direction of a church, but that's not the case. People have motives that always come out at the right time. You don't believe me? Let your pastor resign from your local church, and the search committee get together to find a pastor. One person is going to have this criteria, another is going to have this, and so on. Conflict will happen because anytime you get a group together, there will be differing viewpoints. Some church members are close with the board so they're able to influence the board to vote a certain way. Example: A pastor preaches a couple sermons as part of the interview process for Sr. Pastor. Next couple of nights, your church hosts a Q&A session where church members can ask the candidate whatever's on their heart. This pastor admits his moral failure, been through restoration and has never committed that sin again. A couple members can't get past his moral failure, so they bring it up EVERY chance they get. Depending on what denomination the pastor is a part of, restoration is a definitive NO. Ok, if God can forgive & restore, what's the Assemblies of God's problem? This is the nonsense that makes unsaved people want nothing to do with Christianity. From a church perspective, a process of selecting a pastor should be in place. This way, the congregation can have a say in who their next pastor is. The only time I'm against politics in church is when there's hidden agendas. You don't know who's on the church board with hidden agendas. All church members can do is pray that the board is doing their job correctly. It doesn't mean the members agree with the board's every decision, it means that the search committee is being led by the Holy Spirit, and NOT their agendas.