Use Your Head

Warning: Extreme realness so if you are slighted, that's your problem & not mine. I tell it like it is. Samson was one of, if not the most powerful Biblical figures in the Bible. He was a man of enormous strength and influence. The source of his strength was his hair which was woven in locks and as long as that remained intact, he was unstoppable. Delilah, a well-known HO in Biblical times (yes, ho's did exist in Jesus' day) was offered 1100 pieces of silver to find out the source of Samson's strength. Samson did well by refusing to tell the first 3 times but eventually he gave in, Delilah summoned the Philistines and they did a number on Samson, then threw him in prison after gouging out his eyes. This clown (Samson) had everything going for him: anointed by God as a warrior and he let a TRICK get him caught up. Samson should've known Delilah didn't care about him; she wanted the 1100 pieces of silver. She came, saw & conquered. I can't speak for other men but for me, if I'm a man of great influence & power, there's no way I would let some foul woman jam me up ESPECIALLY if she was known to be grimy. That's stupid, but then again so are some men in society. Why are some men so doggone stupid? See a shapely woman and some of these men lose their minds...The catcalls, whistles, goo-goo gagas, salivating, etc. It makes me shake my head at these lames because 9 times out of 10, she's not studying those clowns. Women know what they're doing by tempting these men and these dudes fall for it every time. Show some hip & thigh, sexy smile and boom, she has him right where she wants him. I do not feel sorry for any man who gets caught up because if men would use their brain, they could avoid well-known grimy women but noooo....most men focus on her T&A rather than her character. All the curves in the world mean nothing if your character is funky. All I have to do is shake my head at some people by how they allow what's called "feminine wiles" to jam them up, then they look crazy. Nobody can have THAT much power over you. They're grown just like you are. Again, I'm the last of a dying breed in that while I do find shapely women attractive, I'm not going to break my neck trying to get with one.

Being Patient or Wasting Your Time?

This is a question I've been rolling around in my head for a while. How do you know when you're wasting your time or patiently waiting? When do you take action and when do you let things flow? Sometimes you know off top you're wasting your time and others, it's not so easy due to many variables involved. For me, how I know when I'm wasting my time is if 6 months have passed and my situation isn't changing for the better; in that case I get my hustle on and make it happen because if you wait too long, life can & will pass you by. For example, if you want to be debt free in 5 years and your job doesn't pay enough, are you going to stay there or look for something better so you can get to working on your goal? The intelligent person would look for a better job (or take on a 2nd job) so s(he) can achieve that goal. In most cases, it's all about timing. Things have to come together in perfect harmony for optimal success. Wasting time is not being proactive & being patient is when you are actively engaged toward the end result without rushing things. Being patient can also mean you're seeing progress, just not at the rate you want. Rarely does progress happen on our time table. Most times, progress and patience go hand in hand. From a Christian standpoint, you have two options: 1. Wait for a promised blessing or 2. Move to where the blessing could be. It takes steadfast faith to know what to do. I'm getting to the point where if opportunity knocks, I'm kicking the door down because I'm a firm believer that if a solution presents itself, take it and move on. No sense in holding out when you don't have to. You're in a relationship with somebody that's not right for you but you're patient with them in hopes they will tighten up. A year passes, then two, then 5 years. You realize you two aren't meant to be. Would you be wrong for letting them go? No. Everyone desires to be involved with someone that's on the same page financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. If someone doesn't want what you want, cut them loose. They're good for someone, just not you. I have provided 3 scenarios that illustrate there are times to be patient and there are times to get moving. As with everything else in life, it's up to the person. If someone's impatient and used to getting things quickfast, having to wait for change can be annoying but if you have a person that is willing to be proactive while being patient, then for them...patience won't be a problem.

Conflict Breeds Understanding?

No relationship is immune to conflict. I wish it were true (which I think it is, to an extent) but because people are different, there will be conflict. With people being different comes different outlooks, views, theories, etc. I'm a believer that you learn more through opposing viewpoints because it's in opposition that you are forced to think outside the box, that maybe conflict isn't so bad after all. The most creative solutions have come through conflict. The best relationships are not immune to conflict (though at times, I wish that were the case) but my issue is whether conflict is TRULY necessary in order to have a successful relationship. I think you can have a successful relationship if boundaries are set from the beginning about what will & won't work, dealbreakers, accountability. As long as you have those things, you should have a drama-free relationship; doesn't mean life won't hit you out of the blue from time to time, just that when the rough patches come (and they will), everything will be in place in order to nip it in the bud quickly and move on. I agree & disagree with the statement that you have to have disagreements/arguments in order to have a good relationship. As long as the couple have a clear understanding, that should be enough. Agree to disagree and move on. The only way conflict breeds understanding is if the parties respect each other's stance, and if necessary admit being wrong. The problem with many relationships is that people don't want to admit they're wrong because it makes them look weak. What separates me from the rest is I'm not too proud to admit being wrong. Best of all, I will care less how it makes me look to the other person because as I always say "I don't live to please people." People are too busy trying to win or be right that their pride gets in the way of what could be a beautiful relationship.

To Marry Or Not Marry?

You can read countless studies about how more men & women are opting not to get married for whatever reason. Either the opposite sex is not marriage material or if a couple is living together and things are going good, why fix what's not broken? I think more men are seeing less of a benefit for marriage because many divorces are initiated by women so what's the point of tying the knot? That's just one of many factors. Another factor that contributes to men seeing less of a benefit for marriage is that most married men aren't happy...wife is a nag, sex life is nonexistent and although they may love their woman, some of them regret getting married. As I've mentioned in a previous commentary, many couples are opting for cohabitation and in most cases, couples that shack up are more happier without marriage constraints. If a cohabitating couple wants to call it quits, they can do so without the financial/legal hassle of divorce. The man/woman you thought was right for you could turn out to be Mr(s). Wrong and then what? Either you work through the rough times or call it quits. Let's be real, everyone meets a man/woman with the intention of growing old with him/her and when the rough times come (and they will), that love is surely tested in ways that'll bring both parties to the edge of the cliff. Besides, I don't hear a dearth of women running saying they want to get married by their actions. Most seem to have a child or two by twenty five, say they don't want more kids but they are waiting on Mr. Right. Really? Really. Something else that came to mind as I was pondering this subject is that marriage involves putting the other person above yourself, and that's the issue most people have. While you SHOULD go into a relationship expecting the other person to fulfill your needs/wants, most men & women forget that the other person has needs & wants. It goes both ways. Marriage is a union that so few seem to understand. Society have created power hungry individuals with no real sense of purpose and until the "me first" mentality is dropped, there's no need to marry.

Light Skin vs. Dark Skin

For as long as I can remember, there has been a team dark-skin & light-skin divide among black women. This goes back to slavery times when light-skinned blacks were seen as the closest thing to white so they got special treatment from slavemasters. Light-skinned slaves were treated better than their darker counterparts and weren't subjected to harsher treatment like their darker counterparts. The moral is that if you have the right shade, you are entitled to special treatment. My personal view: I love black women whether they are light-skinned or dark-skinned, they're all beautiful to me. I don't see the point in this team dark/team light-skin foolishness. Sharen, one of my facebook friends posed this statement to me: Men preferring light skinned women over dark skinned girls because and I quote "they get the best of both worlds. The black girl shape with the white girl skin tone." Guess what? My ex told me that. I guess it assauges any guilt they might have over wanting a white girl but they don't get any ridicule from their mothers and other black women don't look at them funny because she's black but light or biracial. I've been thinking about her statement and it coincides with my view that many black men who are into white women see light-skinned women as the closest thing to white. Like the statement says, they get the best of both worlds with the black girl shape and white girl tone. It's like dating a white woman without ACTUALLY being with one.

Enough Is Enough

There comes a point in our lives where people must say enough is enough especially as it relates to detrimental relationships. No one should use anyone for their personal gain, that's not cool AT ALL. I also believe that people do what you allow, meaning if you let someone use you, you can't get upset when they have their way with you because you didn't check them on how you want to be treated. It's funny how people that used you in the past have no use for you when you no longer allow their detrimental behavior. Good riddance, LET THEM GO. If taking a stand means you'll lose some people, so be it. Let the sorry leeches sap someone else. I used to let people walk over me but now, not anymore. If I feel controlled, I will retaliate how I see fit. If I feel like I'm being used, that's not going to fly with me; no way, no how. I hate to see people being used and then become bitter because they won't stand up for themselves. I see why many people have a no-nonsense personality because people definitely take your kindness as weakness. You don't want to be mean but at the same time you don't want people to use you. There are genuine people that value people's kindness and those are the people I want in my circle. Like diamonds, lovely people are extremely rare so that's why it's important to cherish those who make their mark in your life. Think about it, how can a user get upset when the recipient says enough is enough? That's the ultimate form of ratchet. They're good enough to use, but all of a sudden you have no use for them anymore because they are fed up with your shenanigans? Well, get to stepping (Martin Payne voice).

Black Relationships

It shouldn't be any surprise that black relationships are dismal at best. Black men and women dogging each other about how the other isn't worth squat; black men are trifling, black women are loud & ghetto, have babies by several different men and the list goes on from both sides. I can remember a time where black relationships were at an all-time high; both black men & women got along but as time went on, a divide & conquer mentality has crept into black relationships. Black women are dating outside the race more than ever before and black men have been dating outside their race for as long as I can remember. From a black man's standpoint, black women make their issues his issues, too argumentative, overly opinionated, ghetto, horrible attitude and the list goes on. From a black woman's standpoint, black men are dogs, jailbirds, thugs, mama's boys, have no direction in life, etc. Let me say that there are bad apples in every race. It's not a good look to base your judgment of people based on a few bad apples. That's like the entire class being punished for the actions of one student. At the same time, I'm aware that one person can mess it up for everyone. Black women are very loyal to their men, they will stick with him through thick & thin and I can respect that. We all want someone that will ride with us through the good & bad. If you want to date outside your race, by all means go ahead. Don't hide behind the "black men/women are foul" mantra because that's making you look bad. If black women are that bitter towards brothers and feel a man of another race can treat them better, be my guest. I could care less because that's less drama for me to deal with and at this point in my life, the less drama I have to deal with, the better off I'll be. The same can be said for black men who have given up on black women. No need to broadcast it, just do it and keep moving. Go get him/her, do right by him/her, make a family and live happily ever after. I'm not letting women off the hook to go ahead and continue their reckless behaviors but the good women hear this so much. Why not let these men be happy if they aren't going to be happy with black women? I was posed this question by a Facebook friend: How do you feel about this as a black man and what would be the repercussions among black men if this happened? My response would be to do what's best for you. If black men are so disappointed in sisters, they should find someone that makes them happy even if it is outside the race.