Strawberry Letter: Greek Love

Dear Steve and Shirley, I have been married for six years, and my husband is a part of a Greek letter organization. My husband and his fraternity brothers love getting together to "fraternize," as he calls it. During these moments, they either attend strip clubs or have parties where strippers are present, go on out of town trips to Miami or Vegas, or on a regular weekend, hang out at the local clubs. I am a part of a Greek organization myself, so I understand the importance of bonding activities, but I think their activities go too far, to the point where I feel very disrespected as his wife. I have expressed my feelings to him and he does not get it, and says I should understand since I am Greek myself. Our relationship is perfect until the moment he tells me about one of his events and it totally compromises our relationship, and I get extremely upset. Is this a natural feeling to have? Am I being disrespected? What are your thoughts on his actions? 

 

My View: I don't see a reason for her to be upset. She said it herself that she's Greek, so she should know what goes on. As long as her husband and frat brothers aren't doing anything shady, she needs to lighten up. A man should never want to stay under his woman 24-7 unless he's a homebody like her. Just like women need bonding time with their girlfriends, so do men. There's something about a brotherhood between men that just doesn't exist between a group of women. I can understand her anger because of the strippers. Anytime you have a group of men and strippers are involved, that raises concerns. Sadly, some men can't control themselves around strippers. That goes double for a married man because he has a wife at home, and going to a party with strippers will give her the impression that he's going to cheat. The husband could've kept the events from his wife, but he respects her to let her know what's going on; many men wouldn't bother telling their wives. Flipping the script, how would he feel if his wife and a group of her friends were engaged in similar activities? Depending on the husband, I'm sure he would be livid. "What you doing going to a male strip club? You better not be creeping with another man." I understand her frustration, but she needs to trust her husband. If he's not being shady, he should be able to engage in whatever activities he wants. If you don't have trust, you don't have anything. Then again, there's too much temptation that could arise from him going to the strip club or parties (with strippers) with his friends. Many men aren't strong enough to withstand temptation. Think about it, you and a few of your boys are in the strip club, and a stripper and some of her friends invite you'all to her house for a get-together, what do you think is going to happen? He might want to slow down just a little bit.

Strawberry Letter: I Want The Ex To Be The X

Dear Shirley and Steve, I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 2 years. We have had some bumps in our relationship, just like any other normal relationship. I'm so confused and noticing little things about him. Just recently his grandmother passed, and I noticed his (first love) ex- girlfriend (whose name is still on tatted his chest) was there at the funeral. That wasn't the problem, I understand that she wanted to pay her respect to a woman that she knew, and show the family support during their time of needs. After the funeral, she went to his grandmother house along with his brother's ex. My husband wanted to go to his grandmother's home in the beginning, but quickly changed his mind. I received a call from my sister in law informing me that they were waiting on my husband. I notice weeks prior to his grandmother passing, he would wear a ring she gave him when they were dating. I would get mad and ask him why is he still wearing that ring, and he needs to get rid of it. Even during the funeral, he kept his left hand in his pocket (hiding his ring at least to me). I was angry at him for hiding the fact that he knew she was there, and that is the reason he changed his mind on going there so quickly. So many things are running through my head: Is he hiding his marriage from her? Does he still have feelings for her? Please help because I'm just lost for words, and it is bothering me. Thanks   

 

My View: I think he still has feelings for his ex, because why would he continue wearing the ex's ring? That doesn't make sense. If you've broken it off with someone, you get rid of all mementos: Rings, tats, etc. Holding onto reminders of your ex signals there's still some feelings left. This ex is his first love, so that's enough to consider that maybe the ex wants to get back in his life. He needs to make up his mind as to who he wants; his wife or ex-girlfriend. The wife has answered her own questions because she confronted him, but he denied. If he has nothing to hide, he would be straight with his woman and say "I'm wearing the ring my ex gave me, but I don't have any feelings for her. You're the only woman for me." She may not believe him because he's wearing her ring, but if he's giving her no reason to doubt him, she should relax. To me, wearing the ring your ex gave you signals there is still some attraction, and it's a matter of time before the ex slithers into his marriage. She could be attending the funeral to be his comfort; I wouldn't put it past her. Funerals have a funny way of revealing the truth about family matters. I don't see anything good coming out of this situation. If another woman is creeping her way into a marriage, it's the husband's responsibility to shut it down. This is an example of why you can't trust anyone, even in marriage. If an outsider can slip & slide into a covenant, something's wrong. The reason he's hiding his marriage from her is because he still has feelings for her. The End.

Cold Feet

Repost From A Friend: Between listening to my Christian program, hearing people share their stories, etc., I always hear about someone that put their trust in another person and end up with nothing. How does this happen? I can never surrender my all, just not happening. And certainly not giving up my money and trusting another person with my wellbeing and survival. NEVER.

 

My View: Cold feet is a term used to describe the nervousness couples feel when they're about to get married. So many thoughts run through their mind, from not being a good wife/husband to being a perfect parent. Those feelings are normal because it shows some people take marriage seriously. You're making vows to each other, and to God to hold each other down through the good, the bad, and the ugly. You don't know someone until you see them at their worst. Anybody who has followed Real Housewives of Atlanta knows what I'm talking about. Porsha Stewart was married to former pro football player Kordell Stewart. They're in the middle of a nasty divorce, and on a recent Atlanta Housewives episode, Kordell packed Porsha's things and sent them to her mother's home. Kordell must've been really upset with Porsha for him to do what he did. Honestly, I didn't see Porsha and Kordell working out anyway because Kordell was a little controlling. Porsha had to get permission from him to go spend time with her friends, he gave her a monthly stipend, etc. I guess Porsha was so desperate for a man that she didn't take time to get to know Kordell. Porsha was a doormat, and Kordell capitalized on that. What I'm saying is this: When you're meeting someone for the first time, they will paint themselves in a good light. Why wouldn't (s)he? Their goal is to attract someone they can spend their life with. If you're upfront about your faults, that can turn some people off because although no one's perfect, people do want to know your good qualities. As time goes on, you share your flaws/faults with the other person. After sharing, it's on them to figure out the next step. When you marry a person, you're stepping out on faith. You're trusting that you made the right decision with God's guidance. You're entrusting your wellbeing to someone else, to care for you like your parents have. It takes a lot to trust someone with your heart, and believe that they will take good care of it. In today's world, trust is uncertain because you don't know if a person's an opportunist; looking to marry you for what you can do for them. Opportunists do exist; they come into your life to use you for their benefit, and leave. They got what they wanted, and have no more use for you. People used to stay together for 50+ years (those couples exist, but they're rare), now you have couples getting divorces after 1 year or even a few months. The above Repost From A Friend proves that marriage isn't for everyone, and it's not. Some people don't want the headaches that come with marriage.



Affection Or No Affection?

 

Scenario: A married woman is caught between two men she loves dearly: 1. Her husband shows her no affection, and 2. Another gentleman who worships the ground she walks on. Her husband feels that they're together for life, regardless of whether he gives her affection or not. This other man is 16 years her junior.

 

My View: I agree with the husband. Regardless of whether a man shows his woman affection or not, they're together for life. My question to her is, why would she marry her husband if he's not showing her affection? It's no surprise that women need touch several times a day. Women thrive on affection, because it makes them feel loved. A man can go days, weeks, or months without affection and he's fine. You won't hear a man complaining about his woman not showing him love, because some men have other things to occupy their time. A man has to truly love his woman in order to show her the affection she needs. If a man isn't being affectionate with his woman, something's wrong. Either he's cheating with another woman, or he doesn't find his wife attractive. This young man is playing on her emotions. He's telling her what feels good, but he doesn't want a relationship with her. If she was single, it would be a different story. He worships the ground she walks on, because he's not living with her. Here's what I know about men who sleep with married women: They like easy targets, but when you leave your husband and he has to do the heavy lifting, you will be wishing you stayed. Nothing to think about; finish this with the other guy, and work on your marriage. Did it occur to you that you do not have your husband's affection, because he knows he doesn't have yours? Any man will lay with her and talk mess, but won't marry her. She has it twisted; her marriage is loveless because she's giving her loving to another man. Has she tried telling her husband how she feels? Most people don't do that. Cut ties with the young man for a moment, then she needs to tell her husband how she feels, and tell him what she"will" do if he doesn't shape up. If that doesn't wake him up, or he gets angry, yet still doesn't want to change, then she has her answer. Get a divorce, and make a clean break. True, marriage isn't something you just up and throw away, but its only worth salvaging if "both" parties are working to make it better. Otherwise, she's wasting her time. This is  assuming that the problem isn't her.

Never Been In A Relationship=Suspect?

Everywhere you turn, it seems like someone's in a relationship. Your loved ones are getting engaged, married, or just starting out as a couple. I'm happy for everyone who has found their special someone, because you have someone to share your heart with. At the same time, getting into a relationship is like stepping out on faith because you're uncertain of whether this person is for you. You lay your heart on the line with no certainty as to whether (s)he will reciprocate. There's a stigma that someone who's never been in a relationship wouldn't know how to handle one, and I say that's false. Just because you've never been in a committed relationship doesn't mean you wouldn't know what to do. I'm in relationships everyday with my loved ones, and the knowledge I learn; if God sees fit for me to be in a relationship, I will apply to my relationship with my woman. During the friendship, you're being evaluated as a potential life partner. How you fare as a friend, determines how you will do as a significant other. If you're vibing with someone as a friend, you two will usually get along great as a couple. It doesn't mean there won't be clashes, but the history you two have will not allow a beautiful bond to go sour. Remembering how you two got through rough times as friends will carry over into your committed relationship. I look at things different in this topic: Someone who's never been in a relationship can know what to do just as much as an experienced person. If you take your friendships, and apply that knowledge to a committed relationship, you can know what to look for just the same as someone who's been in a relationship before. What raises red-flags to me is people who've been in multiple relationships in a short time. They jump from one (wo)man to another, because they don't want to be alone. If you can't handle being single, there's no way you can handle being with someone. Then again, when I look at people who've never been in a relationship, I see them as complacent. They're used to being solo, so they've accepted that they aren't cut out for a committed relationship. It's bonkers that something is assumed to be wrong with a person who's never had a relationship, and they're over 30. Some people don't want a relationship for the simple reason of accountability. Being in a relationship involves being accountable to someone else, and everyone doesn't want that. You have to compromise, deal with another person's issues, etc. That's too much for anyone, honestly. Some people see relationships as restricting, because it won't allow them the freedom to be who they are.

Selfish & Friends: Straight From My Inbox

Selfish & Friends

STRAIGHT FROM MY INBOX:
My husband now wants a paternity test of our 14 year old son after he watched some show on TV! I refuse to give him one because it's stupid and pointless. Yes, I cheated on him but I was young and dumb then and I didn't value our marriage. But just because he watched some show is not a reason for a test. What do y'all think?

 

My Response: This is where Maury gets his material from. She was young & dumb, and didn't value the marriage so she stepped out on her man. That's a reason *sarcasm*. Men, this is why you need to be careful who you lay down with because some of these women are foul. There's no telling how many men she's been with; she's listed herself as only being with her baby's dad, but you just don't know. Shows like Maury paint a valid picture about the court system; women sleeping with random men and not knowing who the baby's father is, so she gets a DNA test to find the baby's true father. I'm not going through all that, so that's why I don't put myself in precarious situations. The sad thing is, she doesn't seem to care. He's right to ask for a paternity test, SHE CHEATED! If he was smart, he wouldn't have laid down with her, but that's too much like right. Situations like this happen far too often, and the child suffers. I know I've never been in this situation (thank God I'm not), but stuff like this makes me jaded. What if I meet a woman and we produce a child? Is she going to be honest about me being the only man she's been with? Who knows. I've said this before & I'll say it again: People don't respect marriage. A couple gets married, gets bored with each other and they decide to spice things up: 3somes, swinging, and the infamous open marriage. You're either married or you're not. There's no such thing as an open marriage. Men, keep your thing in your pants.

Random Thoughts

1. People will always cheat because there's someone willing to cheat with them; think about it, it's true.

2. "I Need A Man That Can Handle Me"-Miss, you're grown, you should be able to handle yourself.

3. Some women are quick to say what a real man does, but when a man flips the script and says what a real man should do, it's a problem.

4. Cold weather is not the time for cuffing someone's (wo)man, because you have to return them like a library book.

5. Relationships have to be 100-100. It's not dividing everything in half, but giving everything you've got.

6. The 80's & 90's were the best television decade. You had A'Team, Magnum P.I., Alf, Hunter, etc.

7. Preachers of L.A. wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It's good to see shows depicting preachers as regular human beings.

8. A fight requires two participants. If one person walks away, the person walking away wins every time. Let the one looking for a fight look stupid.

9. The level of your destiny should determine your marital status. Look at President Obama: Husband, father, and president of the US; that's A LOT of responsibility for one man.

10. I shared a Facebook photo of an 18-year old dog who was blind & toothless. The owners gave them up, because they got tired of him. Wow...why get a pet if you're not going to care for it long term? El Stupido.

11. People approach marriage like a contract: What's In It For Me? How Can I Benefit? With that mindset, no wonder the divorce rate is over 50% for first marriages.

12. Some women think they're winning by being the side chick, but in reality, they're losing. The man is only with you for sex.

13. It's easier to deflect, rather than reflect.

14. It must be nice to be self-made; getting ahead without the support & help of others. All you have is your hustle and intellect.

15. Something's wrong when Christians have a higher divorce rate than the rest of society as a whole.

16. Having one disability is bad enough, but to have multiple disabilities? That's heartbreaking. How bad could someone's genetics be to where they're born with multiple disorders? Goodness.

17. Just like women have no use for a man with no direction, men have no use for a woman who has no ambition. She wants to ride his coattails.

18. What Do you bring to the table? I brought my own table, what about you? You don't have one? I'm sorry, exit stage left.

19. A guy breaks up with his woman over compliments & likes from a Facebook photo...craziness.

20. Know when to hold them, know when to fold them.