Mrs. Dad

Sunday was Father's Day, a day for fathers who are taking care of business in the home. Being a father is a tough job because dads wear many hats. They are the protector, provider, disciplinarian, spiritual leader, husband, father, coach, etc. Even though society may never give good fathers their props, I salute all fathers who are getting the job done. Deadbeat dads get no love from me because how a so-called man could walk out on his family is beyond me; the seed he created and just abandoned the child. That's flaw. There is a disturbing trend going on involving single mothers who jack Father's Day by saying they are the child(ren)'s father & mother. I'm tired of this. Yes, it's unfortunate single mothers are left to raise children on their own but let's call a spade a spade...whatever that man did or didn't do, some man is responsible for her existence. If a single mother refers to herself as the child's mother & father, she has serious issues. I know there are legit single mothers who are working full-time & going to school, plus raising a child. My hat goes off to them. You will never see or hear of a man refer to his child(ren) as their mother because that's not his place or role. Some single mothers are so embittered towards their baby's father they hijack the one day meant to celebrate fathers and claim it for themselves. If a woman didn't want kids, why would she pick the WRONG man to sleep with? That's flaw and one of the reasons why I'm against having children out of wedlock because it's the children who suffer. Sooner or later, the child(ren) are going to wonder where is their father and unless the mom is straight with the child(ren) about what really happened, the child will go through life not knowing their dad. If a woman has no intention of staying with a man long-term, she shouldn't have his child(ren). A few examples of TV dads are as follows: Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince, James Evans-Good Times, Carl Winslow-Family Matters, Cliff Huxtable-Cosby Show, Tim Taylor-Home Improvement, Uncle Curtis-House Of Payne, and the list goes on. Aside from being black, what the first 4 TV dads have in common is they were family men through and through. They remained faithful to their wives and no matter how hard life got, they were committed to leading their family through the rough times. It showed as their children respected him as the head. Yes, the aforementioned names are TV dads but many real-life fathers identify with those characters due to personality and parenting styles. Can we go back to the old-school where mothers played their role and fathers played theirs? That's what needs to happen because mothers playing the father's role is just sad on so many levels. I can't fault the mother for having to take on two roles because a mother cannot teach a boy about manhood because she doesn't understand men like a father. Yes, deadbeat fathers are an epidemic but that doesn't give single moms a pass to claim Mother's & Father's Day as their own. Just be a single parent, that's all.

Perfect Man/Woman

Does the perfect man or woman exist? Depends on who you ask. Some believe the perfect mate is out there but it takes work to find & keep them, others will love a person despite their faults. There's nothing wrong with desiring perfection in a mate because all of us want the best possible man or woman who will add to our lives. The problem lies where you expect a man or woman to be this, that & the third and you're bringing very little, if anything to the table. How can you have a laundry list of standards for a prospective man (or woman) when you aren't whole yourself? That's crazy to me. Women are good for this because a lot of them have the "I'm not settling for chicken dinner when I deserve prime rib" mentality. It's ok to have standards but be real with your desires. You're only going to get 80% of what you need & want in a relationship; no more, no less. That's in most cases. This 20% comes along and you're thinking you're getting something better because that 20 has what the 80 lacks. You leave your 80 for 20 and later down the line, you realize you had a good thing. By then, it's too late because that person has moved on to someone that will love them unconditionally. I think nobody should require of someone what they aren't willing to bring to the table themselves. If you expect a man to work out and you don't exercise, that's futile. If a man expects his woman to be independent but he has nothing going on for himself, that's flaw to me. In a dream world, the perfect man & woman would exist but in reality, they don't. It comes down to what you will & won't tolerate. Don't get me wrong, I believe the perfect man & woman does exist but it takes time to find him or her. Once you find someone that's perfect for you, do everything in your power to hold on to them.

Gender Definition

I got the idea for this topic from reading a FB friend's status. Men have their definition of what a woman is just like women have their definition of what a real man supposedly is. From a woman's standpoint, a real man is respectful, ambitious & God-fearing and from a man's viewpoint, a woman is loving, respectful & meek. Who is qualified to assess manhood/womanhood? Men have a better understanding of manhood based on gender alone. Men are able to accurately depict how men think, feel, their overall mindset. Women understand women better because after all, THEY'RE WOMEN. Granted, both sides are accurate in their assessment of the opposite gender but it goes much deeper than assessment. Let's take apologizing for example. "Real Men Apologize When They've Wronged Someone". If a man doesn't apologize, is he not a real man? According to another person, he would be less of a man because he didn't apologize for wronging someone. I believe that real people (men & women alike) apologize for wronging someone; that's a basic trait of humility. Men are men & women are women, regardless of whether they apologize or not. While I have my theory on what a woman is, I'm not qualified to assess a woman like my mother, aunt or other female loved ones in my family, or even women in general. It's true that men & women are accurate in some descriptions of the male & female gender, both fail to realize that each gender is complex. A woman can learn about men through her father and brother(s), I'll give her that. Unless they have schooled her in great depth about the male psyche, she will never understand men in their entirety. The same can be said about women; a man learns about women through his mother, sister(s) & other female relatives in his life. If a man does wrong and not meet the standards of another man, let alone the standards of the creator, Is he less than a man?Worldly men act different from a Godly man, just as a healthy man makes different choices than a unhealthy man but all are still men. I believe one issue men have with women defining manhood is how a woman can define manhood when she's not a man (I'll flip it for the women in a little bit). Women have in their minds what they feel a real man is, does, or should do. She may be accurate in some ways but off base in others. You have a man who knows the ins & outs of manhood because he is one. A woman's perception/perspective about a man will never trump or outrank a man's perspective/perception about a man. A man's views on manhood will always trump how a woman views manhood. Women can say the same for men, that they aren't qualified to speak on womanhood in which they would be right as well. When a man or woman imparts wisdom about their gender, it would behoove that man or woman to listen. After all, what better way to learn about men & women than from a respective man or woman?

Are Men Having An Identity Crisis?

This blog is inspired by a 3 Wise Women/Men blogcast I listened to earlier. The topic of discussion was Are Men Having An Identity Crisis? My answer: Yes. Back in the day, men knew how to be men. They were providers and protectors of the home, they were down for their families, etc. Today, men are  becoming more effeminate in their mannerisms and actions. Skinny jeans were NEVER acceptable for a man but as time passed, men have started to defy traditional standards of manhood. That's sad because men are supposed to embrance manly principles & actions. Men are more emotional than women, some are sitting on the couch doing nothing while the woman is putting in work on the job, they are dressing and acting in a womanly fashion and the list goes on. Since when did it become acceptable for a man to walk, talk and carry himself as a woman? It became acceptable when men were being raised by single mothers who feel they can be the child's mom & dad. FALSE. A woman can't teach a boy how to be a man because she doesn't know how men think. A man will always be able to impart manly wisdom into a boy so he grows up knowing what manhood is all about. Think about it, when dad's home, the child(ren) know who's the boss. What Dad says goes, and that's the end of it. Boys swell up to their mothers 24-7 because she's the reserved, chill one but let a boy buck up to his dad; the boy will find out real fast what manhood is all about. There are few exceptions of single mothers raising strong sons but those are rare. It's well documented that a boy raised around women will be more in tune with the female mindset because he didn't have strong male figures to teach him about manhood. A man can't teach his daughter about womanhood can he? No. The only thing he can show her is what to look for in a man by how he treats her mother. Conversely, a mother can teach her son how to treat a lady. Men need to get back to embracing manhood standards. I will never understand why a man thinks it's ok to be overly emotional or act effeminate. Thank God I was raised by a mother & a father. My pops taught me what manhood is all about and mom showed me how a woman is to be treated. 

Second Chances

A few days ago, I posted a status that said "Not everyone deserves a second chance so why keep giving people chances when you know they're foul?" I stand by my view because it's true, everyone DOESN'T deserve a second chance. Most people aren't sorry for the transgression, they're sorry they got caught. You can tell when someone's sorry if they follow up with corrective action, otherwise they are full of hot air. I've gotten to the point where I will accept someone's apology but in the back of my mind, they don't mean it because they will keep repeating the mistake. At what point do you say enough is enough? If you overlook too many offenses, that shows weakness because people will think they can play you any kind of way. That may work on other people but not me. I analyze the mess out of people (hopefully they do the same with me) because I don't want to be played. There's a time to confront & a time to let go. A person's actions will always trump words. You can deserve a 2nd chance but your actions will show otherwise. ‎9 out of 10 times, the person has no remorse so if you keep giving them passes, you're wasting your time because you know they gonna keep on being foul. In that instance, you're setting yourself for continual hurt. Life is too short to be hurt over and over so you have to steer clear of toxic people. While I believe EVERYONE deserves a second chance, many people mistake it for weakness. "He/She gave me a free pass so I'll keep hurting him/her because I know I have to keep apologizing and they'll accept it." I'm all for showing compassion and mercy, but when you see they're not willing to change and they keep repeating the nonsense, there will be no more passes and I cut them loose. You can almost always tell when people are serious and trying to do better but more often than not, you can tell when someone's trying to play you. Some women are good for this because they know their man is sorry and they give him chance after chance; then they finally get fed up and leave. Little do they know, the next man who comes along has to pay for the mistakes of the ex. If they used better judgment, they wouldn't be so jaded. I'm all for second chances because some people truly deserve them and it's that 2nd chance that causes them to change for the better.

Good For Women, Bad For Men

Why are women celebrated for being chaste but men are crucified? What I mean is that a woman chooses to save herself for marriage, she's applauded but if a man does the same, cue crickets. It's like men are expected to lay it low and spread it wide. If a man opts to save himself for the right woman, his peers are going to give him dirty looks and ask him whether he's gay or not. Really..so a man has to be gay because he wants to save himself for Ms. Right. Personally, I applaud any man that has the courage to maintain sexual purity until marriage regardless of being ridiculed. It's easier for a woman to remain a virgin because women are expected to be chaste. I realize that many women don't mind tossing & serving it up but for the most part, women are celebrated for being chaste. It's sad that manhood is equivalent to getting nooky. A man isn't considered a real man if he hasn't bonked a few women. It's that mindset that breeds sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancy, one-parent headed households; all because he couldn't keep it in his pants. A real man isn't defined by whether he's slept with a few women or not but by choosing ONE woman to be his soulmate. That's something that shouldn't be taken lightly. I'm a real man because I don't have to worry about STD's, baby mama drama and child support. I used to be bothered by men who have kids with multiple women but now..I don't feel sorry for any man that has baby mama drama or pays child support because he should've used protection or WAITED (a term most of us don't like to hear). The motto is if it feels good, do it. It may feel good for a moment but once reality sets in, he'll change his tune. Men need to be supported more if they choose to remain a virgin until marriage because after all, it's hard being someone of principle. If women can be celebrated for remaining chaste until marriage, so can men. African-Americans make up the majority of AIDS/HIV cases and this baby-daddy culture that is running amok.

Chiefs & Indians

Every tribe has an established hierarchy. There is usually one chief and several indians under that chief. The chief is responsible for the welfare of his troops and anything that would threaten their welfare, the chief steps in and handles the situation accordingly. There has never been several chiefs and you know why? Having several chiefs in charge is bound to create friction because each chief has their agenda. Each chief wants to see his vision come to reality and that can't happen with having one chief in charge. The problem with relationships is there are too many chiefs & not enough Indians. Women forgot how to be women and instead usurp the man's role. A woman CANNOT be the man & woman in the relationship unless she's confused. A woman is a woman and a man is the man. Both genders need to play their proper position and everything will be alright. Not everyone is cut out for the chief role or wants to be one and that's ok. I heard a great line from Michael Ealy to Taraji in Think Like A Man: You don't need a man, you are the man. That means that a woman will not find a man if she tries to act like one. Same applies for men. If a man expects to find a woman, HE CANNOT exemplify woman traits. What happens when you have too many chiefs? Conflict. Conflict arises when each chief wants to advance their agenda without regards of a common goal. There's a difference between wanting equality and trying to take over a man/woman's proper roles. If I'm looking for a woman, I expect her to play her position. She has to let ME lead in a beneficial manner. Women get upset when a man expects her to let him be the man and sa sys "You can't handle a strong, independent woman". It's ok because I overlook those overly opinionated & strong women quickfast; they will not get a second look from me. Having two strong people in relationship is bound to create conflict because both parties are passionate & have expectations. Both people want to be heard.