Waiting To Have Children

GSRT Member Question:

Me and my fiance are getting married in June, but one thing we can't agree on is birth control. He says we should accept as many kids as God chooses to bless us with.
I would like to wait a year or two (we are both 29). We still have school loans and we just put a down payment on a house and will have a mortgage now. I feel we should enjoy our marriage and also be sure we remain stable with the new mortgage before having children. I also know kids are expensive and I think birth control is on order. 
We have gone back and forth about it and he finally said "do what you want", but he's resentful and keeps bringing it up. We have to agree on something before the wedding. We have talked to our pastor and he supported my husband's point of view and said we need to have faith that God would provide financially for any kids we have, but I'm still not feeling it.
Thoughts?

 

God gives us common sense.  She's doing the right thing by holding off until you are ready in the many varied ways it takes to raise a family. 1) Financially, it costs about $500,000 to raise a child from birth to 21. 2) It is a known fact that marriages without children are much more stable and happy than ones with children because of the added stress of responsibility. I suggest she lets him know that for the moment you are going to use BC after all, it IS her body that will carry the load of pregnancy and your mind that will need to deal with the bulk of the raising because she's the mother.  Her thoughts of waiting until they are financially able, marriage solid and stable are spot on. She's thinking smart.  She should stand firm and trust her God given instincts and intelligence. She must not be pushed into a situation where at the end of the day SHE'LL be stuck with the burden, and not him. He should understand that it is not a 'control' issue, but simply one of expediency. She seems wise, thoughtful, and faithful. He'll appreciate it later, trust. Many times men really don't know what's best, but that's what wives are for, to advise, educate, and influence for the BETTER.

Student loans and a mortgage? He sounds crazy talking about having children given loans and mortgage? Depending on the size of the loans, they should pay off the loan first and then revisit the idea of having children. It's best to have little or no debt before having children so one can provide for the child(ren). If this couple is debt free, they will have no worries about their child(ren)'s needs. Birth control is a responsible decision. She should have the number of children that she can financially & emotionally support. Too many people are bringing children into this world and their money isn't right. It's good to trust God for provision, but God also gave us brains to use in the decision making process. She must do what's best for her, even if he won't like it.



Pearls: By Trina Rogers

This was too good NOT to share. Written by Trina Rogers (Facebook friend):

 

Everything on this earth that is precious or rare, is hidden or hard to obtain. Pearls are hidden at the bottom of the ocean and diamonds are put through intense pressure to become an irreplaceable stone. This same "precious" label should be put on a woman's body. Women need to understand how important our "temple" is to humanity so it doesn't become a sales item in a discount retail store, accessible to low-budget customers. To a real "investor" your essence is worth finding, working for, and cultivating for a life long purpose that benefits the world. When it comes to your significance, don't advertise. When you give it away, you devalue the prize.



Rewriting Wedding Vows

Most people have no concept of committment, so I'm going to rewrite the wedding vows. Normally, a couple's wedding vows go like this:

 

Do you take this (wo)man to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife

to have and hold

Through Sickness & Health

Better or Worse

Richer Or Poorer

After the couple recites these vows, they say "I Do"

 

Revised Version

Do you take this (wo)man to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife?

To have and to hold

Through good health

For Better

Richer

Until I find someone better

As long as you don't piss me off

 

When I think about it, why wouldn't the wedding vows be revised? Some people want the perfect mate, even if they aren't perfect. I agree that if you have yourself together, you should seek a likeminded (wo)man. Two whole people make for a power couple because they have similar character. I'm going to use the 80/20 rule. You're gonna get 80% of what you need in a relationship, no more no less. Someone comes along supplying the missing 20%, and you're considering leaving the 80% thinking you're gonna get something better from that 20. Once you leave, you realize that you messed up because what you thought was better, fell short of what you previously had. That 80 you left has moved on with someone who adores them, and motivates them to grow. The catch is, (s)he is right there by their side. Even if someone better comes along, (s)he won't stray because they're satisfied with the one they're with; not many people are that committed to their partner. Why do you think some men marry younger women? Because they're no longer attracted to their wives. Women marry young too, and given the right circumstances would leave their husbands in a flash. There was a time where marriage was valued, but those times have long passed. Some people treat marriage like a car dealership: They have a good car (spouse) that they've invested time in, that car has done right by them, and as soon as a newer model comes out, they trade in their spouse for a newer one.

 

 

What's Mine Is MINE

Todd & Kandi recently got married, and if I recall, their wedding will be televised on Bravo at a later date. Their pre-nup is set up like all marriages should be: You leave with what you came with. Kandi's very smart because she left her possessions in her child's name. I can't fault her for that because she worked hard to achieve what she has, and for her to lose half to divorce is crazy. Todd said it himself that he doesn't want any of Kandi's money, he's got his own. Once upon a time, people got married for the right reasons, but that's not the case today. Today, marriages are approached like a business contract with the terms and perks outlined. In a perfect world, there would be no divorce, but with half of first-time marriages ending in divorce, you have to protect yourself.

How many couples can honestly say they married for love? If they're honest, they'll list love as one of the factors, but let's be honest...marriage has legal and social benefits. Married (wo)men are supposedly more likely to be promoted because companies see them as established, married couples recover from illness faster, tax breaks, etc. Taking all these into consideration, everyone should rush to get married. You can marry with the best intentions, but many couples really don't know each other like they think. Couples will only share what they want each other to know. Let's be real, most couples don't know how to fight fair, they take information to use it against their partner.

I'm not mad at Kandi for playing it smart. If Todd divorces, why should he get anything? He made the choice to leave her, so he leaves with what he came. Why should anyone be entitled to half of what you've worked hard to build? That's silly. This is why I believe rich should marry rich, and middle-class marry middle class because both sets are on the same page, so if one leaves, they can still survive. Approach every life event with the best intentions, but use your brain. Clearly, Mama Joyce didn't raise no fool.



Second Thoughts

Situation (posted from Grown Soul & Real Talk): We've been married for over a year; we are both in our early 30's and agreed to start a family right away. I found out I was pregnant 2 months ago. My husband's attitude has completely changed. Now he's moody, he's worried about how expensive raising a child is, he hasn't touched me sexually since we found out, and he spends more time away from home. I've tried to talk to him and he says he's processing the pregnancy and coming to terms with the fact that our lives are about to change forever. I don't get it. We agreed to this before we were ever married, and even after we got married. Why the switch up? And how long do I wait out his processing?

 

Pregnancy is a scary time for men and women. She's going through the changes physically, so she's going to need a little more reassurance from her husband that she's still beautiful. Women start to gain weight, be a little more emotional than usual, labor pains, eating for 2, lack of sleep, etc. Women go through a lot during pregnancy. Men go through a lot during pregnancy as well: He's worrying about his child(ren)'s health; whether they will be born disabled or healthy, he's thinking of how he can provide the best life for his family, etc. Pregnancy is a scary time for both. At the same time, if they've agreed to start a family right away, what's the problem? Is he having second thoughts or does he have another woman? A lot of men would be excited their lady is birthing his child(ren). That's HIS seed inside her.

Why do some men think their lady WON'T change physically during childbirth? She's carrying a child for 9 months and that baby is going to be kicking inside her, causing her to feel a little more fatigued. She's going to feel ugly at times, and her man needs to reassure her beauty. Obviously, she doesn't feel sexy because look at how he treats her? He's never touched her sexually since the news. He's expecting her to keep that pre-pregnancy body throughout their pregnancy. I can't speak for him, but I would try to smash every chance I get, especially since she's preggo. He could be trying to come to terms with the pregnancy because he knows what's ahead. He's got a lot of responsibility ahead of him, and I'm not sure he's ready for fatherhood, otherwise he'd be a lot more supportive.

I hope he can "process" things in the middle of night when the baby starts crying. I think he'll come around & love her more than ever before. He's just trying to come to grips with the changes that are ahead. 

Mimi's Sex Tape

Mimi Faust from Love & Hip Hop Atlanta has a sex tape out and it's gone viral over the Internet. Make it so bad, she has a daughter and she's getting her back knocked out by her friend Niko. Call me crazy, but aren't sex tapes supposed to be for the couple's eyes only? You never put out a private act for the world to see. The fact that she has a daughter is more sickening. What are kids at her school gonna think? Kids can be very vicious, and the last thing you want is word to get out that your mom's getting her back knocked out by some guy. If you recall on Tyler Perry's House Of Payne, Malik and Jasmine (Laramie Doc Shaw & China McClain)'s mother Jeanine (Demetria McKinney) was on drugs and later on, she got her life straight. She comes to visit her children when Malik fires off on her, saying how her addiction was the butt of classmates' jokes.

I remember when Kim Kardashian dropped her (in)famous sex tape, and she blew up off that. Maybe, Mimi is trying to come up like Kim Kardashian. What many people don't understand is that Kim Kardashian was somewhat famous prior to the sex tape, and the tape just cemented her fame even more. It seems like everywhere you turn, some reality star is making a sex tape. Kim K made one, now Mimi dropped one, and apparently Nicki Minaj has a sex tape out. I believe that sex is a private act that's to be shared with the one you love. No one needs to see your personal business. When I read about Mimi's sex tape, I thought little of it because I don't like porn. I just feel it's tacky for a couple to put their bedroom business on display. These people have to realize that once the video is posted, it's online FOREVER. Even if they die, that memory will be etched in the minds of millions.

Somehow, I really believe Mimi dropping a sex tape is going to make her famous. It worked for Kim Kardashian, so why wouldn't it work for Mimi? Sex does sell. The sex industry grosses over a billion dollars annually, so I guess for Mimi and many other women, dropping a sex tape is their gold mine.

She's Too Nice

Can a woman be too nice to the point where it's a turnoff? Is there such thing as too nice, cooperative, etc? That depends on the man. I can't speak for other men, but I'll take a cooperative & nice woman anyday. I don't have time to be combative with my lady, that's for the birds. I don't know why, but some men actually prefer a woman that'll give them a challenge. When you get a challenging woman, you'll definitely get more than you asked for. Even if you're doing your job as a man, she'll find something to buck up against you about. Unless you're ready for her to always speak her mind (even when it's not warranted at times), you'll be better off with the nice & cooperative woman. Nice & cooperative doesn't mean docile, it means that she has her own mind, but trusts her man to lead in the right direction. Most people confuse cooperative with docile.

A man has the right to desire whatever woman he chooses, according to his personality. A strong man wants a strong woman, and a chill man wants a chill woman; to each their own. I'm strong & meek when needed. I don't have to thump my chest to prove I'm a strong man; it speaks for itself. Most men will desire a nice & cooperative woman, and why wouldn't they? A man goes to war outside his home: He deals with stress from his job, loved ones, etc. The last thing a man should be getting stress is from his woman. If a man says with a straight face that he loves a combative woman, then he has no right to complain about her nature. He likes her combativeness, remember? A woman that's "too nice" & cooperative runs circles about a combative lady because that nice & cooperative woman is committed to building with him, not against him.